5 Strategies to Reconcile With an Ex You Dumped
You have just broken up with your ex, but now you feel anxious because you realize you might have made a mistake? You now want your ex back because you believe you made a stupid mistake by breaking up, and you don’t know how to fix it. How do you get your ex back, mostly when they are avoiding you? After all, they avoid you because you dumped them and broke their heart. No one can blame them for wanting to protect themselves.
Disclaimer! Understand that your ex will not want to go through the same pain again and may not reconcile. But if you genuinely care for them, you love them and want to win their heart back (for the right reasons – more on that later), know that it’s possible. This article will take you through the steps on deciding whether getting back together is the best thing and five strategies to take once you’ve made your decision.
Do You Really Want to Reconcile?
One thing you need to remind yourself is this big question: “Why did you dump them?” Was it because of something that they weren’t providing for you? Were you unfaithful, and you left them for someone else? Were they unfaithful, and you left them because they were cheating on you? And what is the real reason behind your wanting to reconcile with your ex after breaking up with them? What do you think will be solved by having them back? We don’t know why you two are not together anymore, but you do. So before you get back in touch with your ex, think about the real reason why you wanted to go solo. There are some things to consider. For instance:
Don’t let anxiety get the better of you.
If you broke up with your ex for a good reason, you should remind yourself of this when you feel a high anxiety level. Just because something is painful doesn’t mean it’s the wrong thing to do. You probably feel anxiety because you are not used to the idea of being alone. Especially if you are over a certain age or feel societal pressure to be coupled up, you might be thinking like you will be alone for the rest of your life, which might send you into a panic mode. You might want to contact your ex because you are afraid of being single and alone. And this creates a good deal of anxiety in you.
Don’t act out of guilt.
If you left your ex for another person, or just to simply be single and free, you might feel anxiety because of your guilt. Guilt is a powerful feeling that makes us do a lot of things we wouldn’t normally do. It also keeps you in situations we wouldn’t normally tolerate. So make sure that you don’t want your ex back because of feelings of guilt. you want to be forgiven, you want another chance, you believe you deserve it. At this point. even if you believe you deserve it, if your ex doesn’t agree with you, then there is no chance.
Are you just bored?
If you are trying to get in touch with your ex because you are bored and you have nothing better to do, then just stop right there. It is not fair to them nor is it fair to you. If you want your ex back, the intent has to be genuine. Not because you’re bored or because you are not able to find another date.
So you genuinely love them, and you feel terrible because you made a big mistake, and now you want to communicate with them again. But wait a minute. They blocked you on social media, and they blocked your messages. So how do you get back in touch with them? Is calling them a good idea? Or should you send an SMS? Because if you are blocked on social media and other platforms, chances are, you don’t have any other means of communication left. You will have to either call them or send them a message. How can you convince them that you made a mistake, you want to fix things, and win them back because you truly love them?
How to Get Your Ex Back After Breaking Up With Them?
Breakups are never easy and they are harder to deal with for the party who was dumped. According to research, only 43% of relationships end permanently without reconciliation. So the majority of couples reconcile one way or another. In your case, you need to understand and come to terms with the reality that your ex most probably took this breakup much harder than you. It is the nature of breakups. Most people want to reconcile because they can’t find a date or partner that can replace their ex. They still have feelings for them, or they can’t deal with being alone. But let’s talk about having mutual feelings even after the breakup. Instead of rushing things and acting out of anxiety, it would be better to try these five strategies:
Strategy One | Give Your Ex Time and Space to Calm Down and Reach Out After a Period of Separation.
This step is important because you breaking up with them broke their heart. They are likely to be angry with you. They feel a lot of resentment. If you keep pushing too soon you will only confuse them more with your erratic behavior and it will make them scared and suspicious. You have to give them the time and space they need to think things over. And if they come back with a NO, you need to face the music and take NO as an answer and be ready to move on.
While you give your ex time to calm down and think things over, you need to do your homework. If you are going to repeat the same mistakes you’ll find yourself in dysfunctional relationships over and over until you break the cycle. You need to prove to your ex you have changed your behavior, worked on yourself, and are ready to move to the next step. You need to be ready to accept the guilt 100% here, Put yourself in their shoes. If you were in their place, would you take an ex back if you knew everything would still be the same? There is a reason why the relationship did not work out. You can’t keep trying to put a square piece of the puzzle through a triangular hole.
It didn’t go through the first time, it won’t go through now either. Respect their wishes. If they blocked you on social media and elsewhere, respect their wishes and don’t try to push their limits. It means they need time to be alone and think things over to heal themselves and fix their emotional and mental state. Apply the 30-day no-contact rule even if you are the one that initiated the breakup. Give them time to reorganize their thoughts. If you try to call or SMS too soon, you will run the risk of being blocked on their phone contacts as well. So just step back and let things run their course a little bit.
Strategy Two | Take Baby Steps to Rebuild a Friendship.
Don’t go crazy texting and calling right away. Even after a 30-day no-contact period, you should start with something small, friendly, non-threatening, and coherent. Send a little SMS and stop there. Even if you don’t get a response, stop yourself from over texting, bombarding your ex’s phone with one message after another. Just send one friendly message, and that’s it. You are trying to test the situation here. If you don’t get a reply, then it means you are not welcomed yet. It could be something like, ” Hey, hope you’re doing well. I was shopping at this store today and saw this [Item Name Here] that made me think of you. I just wanted to say hi.” And that’s it. Then you wait—something along these lines.
Nothing pushy, nothing pressuring. And if you don’t hear back, do all in your power not to send more texts back. Don’t rush to meet. If you are lucky and your ex is texting you back, maybe the next step would be to message them more frequently. No calls yet. It is imperative to rebuild trust slowly. Once the text messages reach a healthy and consistent level, then you can try calling them. But you need to have their approval for this. Don’t just decode to call them without asking them first. Ask them if it is OK and when is the best time to call them. You have to respect their privacy and not act like you are respecting privacy when you aren’t. Be 150% genuine.
Strategy Three | Take the Direct Approach.
Words are words and in most cases, they prove nothing, if you are the sort of person who likes to take action you might prefer cutting to the chase. After all, if you are meant to get back together with your ex, you will. Therefore, if you can face up the possibility of rejection, the best approach is to bite the bullet and reveal your cards. First, to make your intentions clear, you might want to try sending one of our sample ex reconciliation letters to your ex-beau. If they seem a little too strong, there might be some other useful tips on reaching out to your ex in our other article.
Set up a time and date to meet up. Be sure to bring the best version of yourself to the table and show you care to make a good impression. You will probably talk about what needs to change, what needs to be done before you two can get back together. Then take positive action and accountability, every day – consistently. As we all know, this is simple, but not always easy.
Strategy Four | Get Into Alignment With Your Truth.
Many people get into relationships by sensing the other person’s need and providing it for the other person. Some people go so far as to intentionally portray themselves to be whatever the other person needs and wants, regardless of whether this is actually who they, to get what they want. Eventually, the facade has to drop, and when it does, it can leave one or both parties feeling betrayed.
To a certain extent, this cycle plays itself out in pretty much all of our relationships. We learn how to ‘be’ around different types of people. For example, there’s a version of you that presents itself to your parents and a different version of you that shows up to work. Because people are social creatures, we create versions of ourselves to fit in with others. The only problem is that to be happy and successful in intimate relationships, we need to balance meeting another person’s needs and meeting our own. When we deny who we truly are to make another person happy, this causes a disconnect and short-changed feeling.
To find a partner who is right for you, you need to harmonize your thoughts, words, actions, and choices. This means digging deep and asking yourself what you want out of life and your romantic partners. Ask yourself, did your ex genuinely meet your needs in your relationship and vice versa? Were you truly compatible? Was the break-up reactive or in response to third-party pressures? If you genuinely believe that you are meant to be together, authentically express this to your ex. If words are not your strong point, you can try this with a letter (we have some examples here). We’re wishing you the best of luck.
Strategy Five | Challenge Your Perceptions of What Love Is.
To love is to take something as a part of yourself. This means that to really love your ex, you must act in their best interests whether you are together or not. This (ironically) can mean that staying apart is the best decision for both of you. However, if you decide to spend some time together, look for ways to show your ex that you can love them the way they want to be loved. This is important because it demonstrates that you’re looking out for their best interests and your own, and it shows that you understand how they like to receive love and appreciation. How a person receives love and appreciation differs from person to person, so check out Chapman’s 5 Love Languages.
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As the research shows, more than 60% of couples reconcile for one reason or another. So chances are, you might have another go at this relationship. But you need to make sure you use this time apart wisely and fix what needs to be fixed and improve yourself. Remember also that you are not improving yourself because you want them back. You are improving yourself for yourself only.
You are important and your personal development is important as well. Every relationship, every experience is a life lesson that we have to learn. We need to learn from our mistakes and failures and do something about them to move forward so we don’t find ourselves in the same vicious cycle again.
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Never the Right Word
Hi there! I’m Amy, and I’m the person behind Never the Right Word. I’m a designer-by-day who’s fascinated by human psychology; you’ll find me learning about what makes others tick through all types of media and good old-fashioned conversation. Learn more about me here.
In 2019 Never the Right Word was born to fill the gap of ‘how-to’ websites with copy and paste examples showing you EXACTLY what you need to say to steer difficult conversations into positive outcomes.
Relevant Books We Recommend...
Based on years of successful counseling of couples and individuals, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: A Practical Guide for Improving Communication and Getting What You Want in Your Relationships: How to Get What You Want in Your Relationships by author John Gray has helped both men and women understand each other and transform their relationships. Now viewed as a classic must-read, this book has helped men and women realize just how different they can be in their communication styles, their emotional needs, and modes of behavior. Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus offers the secrets of communication without conflicts, giving couples the chance to grow a deep and meaningful relationship. CLICK HERE to get your copy.
Whole Again: Healing Your Heart and Rediscovering Your True Self After Toxic Relationships and Emotional Abuse by author Jackson MacKenzie offers hope and multiple strategies to anyone who has been through a toxic relationship, as well as anyone suffering the effects of a breakup involving deception, infidelity and other forms of abuse. The book works to help the reader heal unresolved pain and safely allow love back into their lives. This is another great book from MacKenzie who has helped millions in their struggle to recover from and understand their experiences of toxic relationships. Topics such as complex PTSD, Narcissistic abuse, Avoidant Personality Disorder, Codependency, Core wounding, toxic shame, and Borderline Personality Disorder are covered in this book. Get your copy of Whole Again by CLICKING HERE.
An insightful look at the science behind love, Attached offers readers a road map for building stronger, more fulfilling connections. Is there a science to love? In this groundbreaking book, psychiatrist and neuroscientist Amir Levine and psychologist Rachel S. F. Heller reveal how an understanding of attachment theory - the most advanced relationship science in existence today - can help us find and sustain love. With fascinating psychological insight, quizzes and case studies, Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller help you understand the three attachment styles, identify your own and recognize the styles of others so that you can find compatible partners or improve your existing relationship. Get your copy of Attached by CLICKING HERE.
In Transcending Post-infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD): The Six Stages of Healing by author Dennis C. Ortman, the phrase "broken heart" belies the real trauma behind the unfortunate occurrence of cheating in intimate relationships. Using PTSD treatment as a model, Dr. Ortman will show you, step by step, how to work through conflicting emotions; whilst understanding yourself and your partner and make important life decisions. We like the practical elements this book has to offer and believe this book will be highly beneficial for those suffering the effects of infidelity. CLICK HERE to get your copy.
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